God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
