I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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