I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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