I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
