So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
