I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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