Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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