Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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