Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
