Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
