census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You made out with two different species that night
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
