my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
