The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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