Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
