You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
