What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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