I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
