Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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