This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
