I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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