Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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