bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
