If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
