His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
