apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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