6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
