I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
