Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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