Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She's not a foreskin expert like you
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
