Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
