got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
how does that bad decision feel?
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