saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
