I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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