I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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