I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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