Where did you get a picture of my penis
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
