Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
