Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
