I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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