the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
