i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
