Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
