she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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