Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
