My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
