Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
