looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
My feet surprised me
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