Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
