She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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