i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
