we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
